Boobs
Oh I wish I had boobs that would wobble
Mine just stay still in one place
In the breast hall of fame
You won't see my name
For my boobs there would be a disgraceSure boobs of my size have their merit
They're easy to fit with a bra
And when I go for a dip
You won't see one slip…out
They stay put…just where they are

And I'm not one to seek much attention
So you won't find me strutting about
In a boob tube that's trying
by gravity defying
to leave no room, not even for doubtBut I sure envy big breasted women
I've seen them at parties you know
With all confidence thrust
In their mighty big bust
Entrancing the men as they go

Though I've heard from a big bosomed buddy
That it's not all it's cracked up to be
She says in frustration
"Try to hold conversation
When there's only two things a guy sees"                                                                                 

Now if I paid a few grand to enlarge them
To, say thirty-six b or c
Would they still look so natural
And could I class them as collateral
Sorta like home improvements on me

Now I've not taken this boob thing just lightly
I've done quite a bit of research
As I try to keep abreast
In my mammary quest
I've found there's a bit to be learned                                                                                         

There's questions that need to be answered
Like cleavage, how wide and how deep
I can have nipples bigger
But somehow I figured
That could poke Sweetie's eye in his sleep

Oh, I wish I had boobs that were awesome
I'd buy a bright red bathing suit
On the beach I would run
In slow motion for fun
To show off my best attribute                                                                                                                                     

Now don't think I'd just get them for vanity
There's much I'd aspire to do
I could feed many babies
When I was lactating
And for convenience, I could offer drive-thru

In a t-shirt I'd test air conditioning
They could 'see' if they had it too low
And if I stood outside
My breasts pumped up with pride
Police'd use me to stop traffic flow                                                                                       

Well you can see I've a lot to consider
For the big plunge, I need some more time
So I'll keep you updated
But for now they're just fated
To stay as they are for a while

And there's my sweetie who totally accepts me
For he loves each and every little…bit
He says "stay as you are
You're the most beautiful by far"
As he gazes into my eyes…not my tits

First Date

He asked me out on our first date
The excitement was intense
As we faced each other in the car
He seemed a little tense.

I think I made him nervous
He had a silly grin
His leg was shaking just a bit
I got beneath his skin.

I couldn't see why he would be
So anxious with me there
I sidled up against him
And fondled with his hair.

His breathing it was shallow
Some sweat dripped from his brow
My hand ran up his leg a little
I think I heard him growl.

It was so good to see him
I thought he would be too
But his pulse it was a racin'
I think he's got the flu!

I put my arms around him
And pressed myself up close
Just to give him comfort
But he's almost comatose!

His breathing's coming heavy
I'd better call the doc
When I massaged both his shoulders
His heart it nearly stopped.

I kissed him on the cheek
And told him he'd be fine
I pressed his head against my breast
His knees did double time.

It didn't matter what I did
To try to make him better
I stroked, I kissed, I fondled
He just got hotter and hotter.

Well as I tended for him
And tried to quell his fire
The doc said not to worry
It's a thing that's called desire.

Mirror Mirror

Mirror mirror on the wall
do you have to tell it all?
Where do you get the glaring light
to make my clothes look just too tight?

I think I'm fine but I can see
you won't cooperate with me.
The way you let the shadows play
you'd think my hair was turning grey.

What's that you say, a double chin?
No that's the way the light comes in.
If you persist in peering so
you'll confiscate my facial glow.

And then if you're not hanging straight
you'll tell me next I'm gaining weight.
I'm really quite upset with you
for giving this distorted view.

I hate you being so smug and wise.
Oh look what's happened to my thighs!
I warn you now oh mirrored wall
since we're not on speaking terms at all

If I look like this in my new jeans
you'll find yourself in smitherines!

Friendship Is A Strange Thing

 

Jenny was so happy about the house they had found. For once in her life 'twas on the right side of town. She unpacked her things with such great ease. As she watched her new curtains blow in the breeze. How wonderful it was to have her own room. School would be starting; she'd have friends over soon. There'd be sleep-overs, and parties; she was so happy It's just the way she wanted her life to be. On the first day of school, everything went great. She made new friends and even got a date! She thought, "I want to be popular and I'm going to be, Because I just got a date with the star of the team!" To be known in this school you had to have clout, And dating this guy would sure help her out. There was only one problem stopping her fate. Her parents had said she was too young to date. "Well I just won't tell them the entire truth. They won't know the difference; what's there to lose?" Jenny asked to stay with her friends that night. Her parents frowned but said, "All right." Excited, she got ready for the big event But as she rushed around like she had no sense, She began to feel guilty about all the lies, But what's a pizza, a party, and a moonlight ride? Well the pizza was good, and the party was great, But the moonlight ride would have to wait. For Dan was half drunk by this time. But he kissed her and said that he was just fine. Then the room filled with smoked and Dan took a puff. Jenny couldn't believe he was smoking that stuff. Now Dan was ready to ride to the point But only after he'd smoked another joint. They jumped in the car for the moonlight ride, Not thinking that he was too drunk to drive. They finally made it to the point at last, And Dan started trying to make a pass. A pass is not what Jenny wanted at all (and by a pass, I don't mean playing football.) "Perhaps my parents were right....maybe I am too young. Boy, how could I ever, ever be so dumb." With all of her might, she pushed Dan away: "Please take me home, I don't want to stay." Dan cranked up the engine and floored the gas. In a matter of seconds they were going too fast. As Dan drove on in a fit of wild anger, Jenny knew that her life was in danger. She begged and pleaded for him to slow down, But he just got faster as they neared the town. "Just let me get home! I'll confess that I lied. I really went out for a moonlight ride." Then all of a sudden, she saw a big flash. "Oh God, Please help us! We're going to crash!" She doesn't remember the force of impact. Just that everything all of a sudden went black. She felt someone remove her from the twisted rubble, And heard, "call an ambulance! These kids are in trouble! Voices she heard...a few words at best. But she knew there were two cars involved in the wreck. Then wondered to herself if Dan was all right, And if the people in the other car was alive. She awoke in the hospital to faces so sad. "You've been in a wreck and it looks pretty bad." These voices echoed inside her head, As they gently told her that Dan was dead. They said "Jenny, we've done all we can do. But it looks as if we'll lose you too." "But the people in the other car!?" Jenny cried. "We're sorry, Jenny, they also died." Jenny prayed, "God, forgive me for what I've done I only wanted to have just one night of fun." "Tell those people's family, I've made their lives dim, And wish I could return their families to them." "Tell Mom and Dad I'm sorry I lied, And that it's my fault so many have died. Oh, nurse, won't you please tell them that for me?" The nurse just stood there-she never agreed. But took Jenny's hand with tears in her eyes. And a few moments later Jenny died. A man asked the nurse, "Why didn't you do your best To bid that girl her one last request?" She looked at the man with eyes so sad. "Because the people in the other car were her mom and dad." This story is sad and unpleasant but true, So young people take heed, it could have been you.

The Size of Your Heart

 

It isn't the size of your house as such,
That matters so much at all,
It's the gentle hand and its loving touch,
That make it great or small.

 

 

The friends who come and the hour they go,
When they from your house depart,
Will judge you not by the style you show,
But rather by the size of your heart.

 

 

It isn't the size of your head so much,
And it isn't the wealth you've found,
What will make you happy is how you touch
The other lives all around.

 

 

For making money is not so hard,
But to live life well is an art.
How people love you and how they regard
Is all in the size of your heart!

 

The ABC's of ex-girlfriends...

A is for Arteries. You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.

B is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!

C is for Call ya later. She won't. She never has before.

D is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?

E is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.

F is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.

G is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.

H is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.

I stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.

J stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car ? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.

K stands for Kill.

L is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.

L is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.

M stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.

N stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she?

O is for On top. When on top she has another O word.

P is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.

Q is for Quitter. She couldn't last.

R is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.

S stands for Suffer. That's what she made me do.

T is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.

U is for Understatement. Saying you hate that bitch is an understatement.

V is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place.

W stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.

X is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.

Y stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.

Z stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled "QUICK! They're home!"